November 28, 2012 - Time

Time

None of us knows how long we have on this planet. I'm not sure most people would want to know in advance the exact day and hour their "time" is up. What would you do if you did knew? What would you do differently? What would you consider to be the small things and the important things? I'm guessing our perceptions and priorities would change drastically. Would you worry about cleaning your house weekly? Watching calories and avoiding decadent foods? Would you continue to work everyday? Would you spend more time with loved ones? Go somewhere you've always wanted to go? Tell your loved ones that you love them?? How would you show them?? If 12-21-12 actually is the end of the world ... Will anything actually matter??

I chose time as my topic tonight because, as I mentioned, we don't know how much time we have on this planet. The one thing we can all be 100% certain of is that we will expire someday ... Later than sooner, we hope, but the outcome is inevitable. (Even for those who have been cryogenically preserved!)

My dad is over 88 years old, and is still hanging in there. He's going through a rough time right now with cancer, radiation, chemo, and having to be horizontal all the time, but he is a strong man and we are all extremely hopeful that he will recover and be well again. Some people might think he's lived a long life ... And he has, but the potential for him to live even longer is great. We have faith in the "Doctor" Above and those He has chosen to excel in the field of medicine here on earth to do their very best for my dad.

As of this morning, dad has gone through 7 of 35 radiation treatments, so he's 1/5th of the way there. He's had 2 of 6 targeted therapy treatments, so he's 1/3 of the way done with those. He's still feeling pretty good, but we can tell it's starting to effect him, even by looking into his eyes. We are doing all we can to help him remain as positive as possible.

Sometimes I'm not sure it that's enough. Even though no doctor has told him, "You have 'X' amount of time to live ..." I cannot help but wonder if that goes through his mind. Me? I've not even considered that! I admit I did in the beginning ... Especially after they first put him on the ventilator, and then again when he was going in for surgery, but overall, no. I haven't given that one moment of thought! And, I'm not going to start now!

You see, back in 2004 my dad had a heart attack followed by four bypasses. He was lucky. He survived without any complications or restrictions. In ways, I have seen every day since then as a bonus. Since he had the surgery a couple of weeks ago to put the trach and feeding tube in place, I have once again seen every day as a bonus he wouldn't have had they not found this horrible cancer that was invading his body and presented a reasonable form of treatment to rid him of it. I have faith, hope, love, and strength. We all do.

Tuesday morning I was blessed to have some time alone with my dad. I stood by his bed and held his hand. With tears in my eyes I told him things we sometimes don't always say to our loved ones. I told him how I felt about him. How we all feel about him. He held my hand for the longest time and told me he loves me, too. I also told him I was scheduled to fly back to California this morning. I told him I would gladly change my flights if he wanted me to stay. He said yes.

When it came down to it, I knew in my heart that staying one more week was the right thing to do. I asked my family to help me decide, but most of them told me to go because they were afraid I'd think they were being selfish if they asked me to stay ... Silly people ...

So, here I am. Still in Tennessee. I spent many hours with dad today. I took mom out for dinner tonight so we wouldn't have to cook. I miss my husband desperately. I miss my kitties something fierce. I know my husband understands why I am here ... He explained the need way better to my family than I ever could. He is doing his best with my kitties and we may even try to facetime (maybe tomorrow??) so perhaps Buddy can see me, rather than just hear me inside that little black box.

Next Wednesday will be an emotional day. Even more so than every other day in the month of November, 2012 has been. I will be leaving Tennessee, my friends, my family, and my precious parents here and returning to California to prepare for a trip out of the country. I hope and pray that dad gets transferred and settled out at the respiratory center at Asbury Place so he can continue his treatments and begin rehabilitation. He has a long road ahead of him. We all do because we will all travel that road together, despite the many miles between us.

Time is a precious and limited commodity. I'm doing my best to use it wisely.